i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
