I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
