My sheets look like a crime scene.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
