we have officially lost it.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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