is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Randomize
