Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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