So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
