The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
