he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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