I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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