We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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