did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
