So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
