Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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