now i know why i became what i already was.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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