im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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