Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My ass is underappreciated
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
