you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
