Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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