we have pet lesbian snakes
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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