where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize