yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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