I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
