Sry I called you an 8
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
