Who did Billy Mays play for?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
