Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
