I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
