Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
