So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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