Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
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