I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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