I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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