How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize