The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
