He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
