when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Randomize
