If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
