I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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