I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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