weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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