i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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