I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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