You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
