I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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