apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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