I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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