I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize