Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
