I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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