I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
