I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize