if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
