party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
