whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
