there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
