He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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