I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
