i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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