i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
