didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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