I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
