Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
no you cant smoke seaweed
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
